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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27103084">Looking In The Eyes Of A Stranger</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PigSlay/pseuds/PigSlay'>PigSlay</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Amnesia, Anxiety, Dissociation, Gen, implied/referenced eating disorder, it's much more CHARACTER driven than plot driven, this is very introspective</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 04:47:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,708</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27103084</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PigSlay/pseuds/PigSlay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Woah, hey, easy there,” he says, and close up like this, Zayn can definitely recognize the little facial features that make Niall, Niall. Those perfectly blue eyes, those freckles, that mouth… but then there’s that beard, and that brown hair, and Zayn can’t believe it.</i>
</p><p><i>“Niall…” Zayn says, shaking his head but holding eye contact. “When did you get, I mean, like, when did you start looking like</i> that?<i>” He doesn’t know how else to say it really.</i></p><p>
  <i>Niall quirks an eyebrow and then laughs, although he seems to realize the severity of Zayn’s statement before he’s done or something because it kind of cracks at the end. “Umm… Well, it was a gradual process, like everyone else I think.”</i>
</p><p>(another 'Zayn gets amnesia and forgets he left the band' fic)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Niall Horan/Zayn Malik, Waliyha Malik&amp;Zayn Malik</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Heartbreak Weather Fic Fest</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Where Am I?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/flares/gifts">flares</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I don’t know One Direction. This story takes place in August/September 2018 (and then there's a time jump and you can decide for yourself whether it's December 2018 or early 2019).</p><p>I originally started writing this in 2018 out of a bit of disappointment in my previous work “Flashing Lights In My Mind”; after everything Zayn has said about the situation since 2015 (when I wrote that fic) that fic does not feel true to what I believe Zayn would do if he got amnesia. So I was thinking about that, as well as thinking about how beautifully Niall has grown up, and about how awesome Katelyn is – and all of that just morphed into this idea. It was intended to be a birthday/Christmas gift for Katelyn – but then I started signing up for fic fests and this unfortunately fell the sidelines. So when I saw there was a Heartbreak Weather fest happening, I pointed to Arms Of A Stranger and I was like “yes! This is my chance to complete it!” and I only hope she hasn’t lost her interest in Ziall in these two years.</p><p>Thank you to Janee, my biggest fan who sticks by me through all the scheduling conflicts and hardships to let me know my story doesn't stink and I should, in fact, finish it. Thank you to tumblr users uhohmorshedios and dearmrsawyer for being my beta readers. And thank you to my Advanced Creative Writing class who critiqued the first chapter but also very kindly informed me that not everybody knows who One Direction is (a fact that I honestly forget at times).</p><p>Last but not least, thank you to tumblr user ohnoballoons for creating the fanart piece you see in this first chapter!!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zayn wakes up in a room that is very much not his bedroom. It’s not the tour bus either, which is the last place he remembers being in. Did he oversleep? Well, surely if he overslept one of the other guys or their managers would have bugged him about it.</p><p>The more he looks around, though, the more he realizes what type of place he’s in. There are stark, white blankets wrapped around his body. The walls are devoid of any decorations except for a poster that reads “Is it candy or is it medicine?” comparing pills to candies that look a lot like them. This is a hospital. He sits up suddenly, and maybe he shouldn’t have done that because he immediately groans and sinks back down again. As he does, he notices the IV his arm is hooked up to.</p><p>Just then, he realizes his father, Yaser, is also in the room. “Dad?” he asks.</p><p>“Zayn!” His father rises from his chair, a look of excitement on his face. “Thank goodness you’re awake!”</p><p>“What’s going on?” he asks as his father gives him a kiss on the cheek. “What am I doing here? Do the boys know I’m here?”</p><p>Yaser’s smile drops. “The boys?”</p><p>“Yeah, from what I remember me and the boys have another show tomorrow, don’t we?” Zayn raises his eyebrows. He hopes the fans won’t be too mad if it’s been cancelled – hopefully whatever happened to him isn’t too bad and he’ll be able to make it up to the fans soon.</p><p>Yaser mutters something Zayn can’t catch, and then he’s going out of the room to call for a doctor. They exchange a few words Zayn can’t hear before walking back over to his bed.</p><p>“Hi Zayn,” greets the doctor. “I’m Dr. Kaldas. Can I ask you a few questions?” They pull a pen out from their long brown hair and hold it above a clipboard.</p><p>“Uh, can I ask one first?” he doesn’t wait for an answer though. “Why am I here?”</p><p>“You had a really bad car collision,” Dr. Kaldas responds. “You were hit and the passenger in the other car called the ambulance for you. You’ve been in a medically induced coma for a few days now because of that.” </p><p>Zayn’s brain spins at that. He’s not sure how to process the idea of being in a coma, so he doesn’t. Instead he asks, “Was anybody else hurt?”</p><p>“Nobody as badly as you,” they say sympathetically. Zayn is relieved to hear that; if anybody else wound up in the hospital because of him he would not be able to live with himself. After a few moments of silence, Dr. Kaldas asks, “Anything else, before I ask my questions?”</p><p>Zayn shakes his head, not wanting to keep them here any longer than they have to be. They ask him questions like who the current prime minister is, where he lives, what he does for work. The last one almost makes him chuckle, but he knows they have to ask the same questions to everyone – even though he still doesn’t understand how any of these questions are going to help with his treatment.</p><p>After Zayn is done answering each question, Dr. Kaldas turns for a moment to Yaser – who has a frown on his face right now, though Zayn isn’t sure why – and then back to Zayn. “Based on the answers you have just given me, compared with what your father told me when you first got checked into the hospital, I am diagnosing you with amnesia.”</p><p>“Amnesia,” Zayn repeats, and in that moment he feels like he is not in his body, not even on this planet, but floating somewhere far away. It’s a terrible feeling. “Does that mean I have to stay here?”</p><p>“Yes,” Dr. Kaldas tells him.</p><p>“For how long?” he asks, still floating. “Am I… am I going to be stuck here for months or something?” He doesn’t want to be here for even one more day, much less several months. Yaser, sensing how much Zayn is freaking out, puts his hand on top of his son’s.</p><p>The doctor gives him another sympathetic look, like they feel guilty for having to be the one to reveal this news to him. “How long you stay here will depend on how well you succeed in physical and occupational therapy,” they say. “However, now that the worst of your injuries have been taken care of, we anticipate you’ll only be here two weeks or so.”</p><p><em>What if things don’t go well?</em> Zayn thinks, slowly coming back down into himself but still not happy about his situation one bit.</p><p>Dr. Kaldas picks up their clipboard and puts their pen back into their hair. “I’m going to give you some privacy now,” they tell him. “Someone will be by in fifteen minutes to give you some food and water.” They turn to Yaser. “You have ten minutes until visiting hours are over. You can come back in the morning though, after Zayn has rested.”</p><p>Yaser nods as Dr. Kaldas walks out the door. Once the two of them are alone, Zayn immediately starts crying. Yaser wraps his arms around him, not saying anything as Zayn lets it all out.</p><p>“Dad,” he says when he can finally find the words to speak. His nose and eyes continue to water as he does. “I’ve messed everything up. How are our fans going to forgive me?”</p><p>Yaser shakes his head, some tears coming out of his own eyes as well. “Don’t say that, Zayn. You didn’t mess anything up. It was an accident.”</p><p>“But the fans were so excited about their shows and now I’ve ruined that for them.” He wipes his snot on his sleeve.</p><p>“Stop that,” his father tells him a bit assertively. “Do not fault yourself for this. Promise me you will focus on getting better, and not worry about what anyone else is saying.”</p><p>Zayn shakes his head, not sure he can promise that; he cares too much about what other people think of him, especially the fans. He compromises. “I promise to try.”</p><p>***</p><p>
  <em>A week and a half later…</em>
</p><p>His family is here, along with Liam, and beside Liam is a brunette person Zayn doesn’t recognize, with a beard and biceps that Zayn definitely does not find himself staring at. The brunette is looking at him with about the same amount of worry that his family and Liam are giving him, but he can’t figure out why they would be. He doesn’t know them… Does he?</p><p>“Who are you?” Zayn asks, pointing.</p><p>The person in question then exchanges a look with Liam, and he notices both of their faces have dropped even more when they turn back to him. “Zayn, do you really not recognize me?”</p><p>Zayn can’t stop himself from the loud gasp that escapes his mouth. That voice… Of course he would know that voice anywhere. That Irish accent, not as thick as it once was after spending several years with four British boys, but still obvious. A voice that he’s shared many conversations, many tears, and many, many laughs with.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Against his better judgment, he sits up quickly. “Niall?!” He groans at the pain and sinks back down. Even though he's gotten far in physical therapy it still isn't wise to sit up so quickly. Niall comes over to his side.</p><p>“Woah, hey, easy there,” he says, and close up like this, Zayn can definitely recognize the little facial features that make Niall, Niall. Those perfectly blue eyes, those freckles, that mouth… but then there’s that beard, and that brown hair, and Zayn can’t believe it.</p><p>“Niall…” Zayn says, shaking his head but holding eye contact. “When did you get, I mean, like, when did you start looking like <em>that</em>?” He doesn’t know how else to say it really.</p><p>Niall quirks an eyebrow and then laughs, although he seems to realize the severity of Zayn’s statement before he’s done or something because it kind of cracks at the end. “Umm… Well, it was a gradual process, like everyone else I think.” He bites at his nails, and it’s nice to see that some things are still the same… at least…</p><p>It’s at that point when his sisters start to arrive, and gosh if Zayn was awestruck by how much Niall has changed, he’s definitely struck by how big his youngest sister, Safaa, is as she makes her way to hug him. “We’re so glad you’re awake, Zayn. We were worried, you know.”</p><p>“I’m sure,” Zayn agrees, unable to stop looking at her. “Safaa, how old are you now? Last I remembered you were still playing with dolls.”</p><p>She does that same awkward laugh Niall had done just moments before, one that tries to sound happy but is obviously hiding sadness at this whole situation behind it. “Um, well, I’m sixteen now.”</p><p>“Six-teen?!” Zayn repeats, stretching out the word. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh…” He puts his head in his hands, shaking it, then returns to his sister and gives her a big hug. “I must be really old then.”</p><p>She lets out a genuine giggle at that and says, “Yeah, you kind of are, afraid to say it. Twenty-five to be exact.” Zayn grumbles, deciding he’s out of shocked reactions for the day.</p><p>When he looks back up, Doniya has her hands over her chest. “Well, personally, I don’t think twenty-five is that old, Safaa,” she says sassily.</p><p>“Of course <em>you</em> don’t, Doniya,” Safaa responds. Zayn cracks up as his mother gives them both a look that stops them before they can really start. Seeing his family really makes everything better.</p><p>He turns back to Liam and Niall now, who are smiling at the conversation. “So, where are the others?” Zayn asks. He quickly notices how Liam and Niall tense up at that question, although he’s not sure why. “Like, don’t they need to know when I will be out so all of us can keep going on the tour?”</p><p>Liam and Niall’s continued looks of intensity only make Zayn more worried. Are Louis and Harry okay? Did something happen to the two of them, too?</p><p>“Listen, Zayn,” Liam tells him warily, biting his lip. “I think you’ve already had enough shock for the day-”</p><p>Behind him, Niall lets out a defeated sigh with a look that says ‘that was the wrong thing to say’ and he’s right, it was. “Enough shock for the day?!” Zayn demands. “Wha – what happened to Louis and Harry?” His heart is beating hard now.</p><p>Liam bites his lip even harder and looks like he regrets everything he said now, which he might. He turns to Zayn’s sisters and parents now. “Okay… Can Niall and I talk to Zayn alone for a few minutes?”</p><p>His family all have facial expressions of fear and worry and general sadness, but they eventually listen and clear the room, leaving Zayn, Liam, and Niall alone.</p><p>“Alright, Zayn,” Liam says, pacing around a little bit – another nervous habit that has stayed the same, evidently. “I really don’t wanna do this because I feel like you should recover a little more before having all of this thrown on you…” Zayn’s getting impatient now. Are his friends okay or not?</p><p>“Harry and Louis are fine, let’s start with that,” Liam assures him. Zayn breathes a sigh of relief at hearing that. “Louis wanted to come but he couldn’t because he’s busy judging the X Factor. Harry…” Liam shares a look with Niall for a second, who just shakes his head. “Uh… Harry had another engagement too.”</p><p>Zayn ignores that weird moment for a second and chooses to zoom in on what Liam said before that. “What do you mean Louis’ judging the X Factor? How can he be a judge while we’re in the middle of a tour?”</p><p>Niall comes over to Zayn and gently puts a hand on his shoulder. Niall’s eyes are glistening, but he keeps a smile on his face. “Zayn, we are not on tour right now. You have been in the hospital for a long time but I promise you everything is okay, yeah? Just focus on getting better, don’t worry about anything else.”</p><p>Niall’s words and touch calm Zayn down. “Okay.” Niall and Liam start walking away, apparently deciding it’s time to bring back his family. “Hey, are you going to come back soon?” He’s specifically talking to Niall, but he wouldn’t mind if Liam came to see him again either; he just really wants to have more time with the suddenly-brunette man he’s supposedly spent years in a group with.</p><p>“Maybe,” Liam says distantly. “Hospitals freak me out, no offense.” Niall laughs loudly and uncomfortably. Zayn thinks it’s more than just hospitals freaking Liam out, but he doesn’t push it.</p><p>“No offense taken,” Zayn mutters. As the two of them walk away, Zayn chances a look at Niall’s butt. Gosh, even that has improved wonderfully. He berates himself for thinking that; his family is coming back now, so he needs to be free of sinful thoughts.</p><p>They arrive with a nurse in tow. Hopefully the nurse has good news for them. “Hi Zayn,” the nurse greets. “How are you feeling today?”</p><p>“Um, a bit weird to be honest,” he responds, rubbing the back of his neck. “Like, having my friends visit me while looking like they’d rather be anywhere else is not, like, my ideal scenario.”</p><p>The nurse nods like they get that answer often. “Well, I wanted to assure you that you won’t be here much longer. You have shown incredible growth in your motor skills and functionality – so we believe you will be ready to be discharged as early as three days from now.”</p><p>“Three days,” Zayn repeats. That’s really soon. “Where am I gonna go?” He turns away from the nurse and faces his parents.</p><p>“You know you’re always welcome back in Bradford, Zayn,” Yaser starts, picking at his beard. “But I feel like it would be more helpful to your recovery if you went back to your house. I’m happy to stay with you until you're comfortable there of course, and if you feel strongly you can come home with me and your mum.”</p><p>Zayn almost agrees to this, because he still has so many questions to ask his parents and sisters about the memories he's missing. However, he ultimately contends that waking up every day next to someone who knows more about him than he does isn’t a good stimulus. And besides, he wants to start building a new routine in case all of his memories don’t come back – which his doctors and nurses told him would probably happen.</p><p>He shakes his head. “’m sorry dad, but think it would be better if, like, I tried to do this on my own.” Yaser is shocked but nods like he understands exactly what Zayn is thinking.</p><p>After a moment, Zayn asks, “Uh, where <em>is </em>my house?” He remembers living in a house on his own but he wants to make sure he doesn’t have a new one he’s moved to since then.</p><p>The nurse jumps back in – Zayn had almost forgotten they were there. “Don’t worry, I’ll give you that information when it’s time for you to check out. For now, get some rest. Your next session starts in two hours.” They lead Zayn’s family out of the room and he is left alone for what feels like the first time in forever.</p><p><em>Two hours</em>, he thinks, his eyes drooping. <em>Sounds like enough time for a nice nap.</em> He closes his eyes and waits to be taken off to dreamland, where it doesn’t matter what he knows or doesn’t know; all that matters is taking down the green alien.</p><p>***</p><p>Zayn drives to his house in New York, with his dog, Rosie, in the passenger seat. His parents had been taking care of her while he was in the hospital, and both human and dog were absolutely elated to see each other again when Yaser dropped her off with him. When he first heard her name, he smiled because he remembers watching The Jetsons as a kid and must have named her after Rosie the Robot. Tomorrow the two of them will definitely have to spend the day making up for lost time.</p><p>The traffic in New York makes Zayn annoyed. He would have preferred to take the subway, but he had to get his car back home and he didn’t want Rosie getting into any fights on the street. At a red light, he decides to look and see what CDs he has in his drawers. He doesn’t want to listen to the radio right now out of fear they are talking about his stint in the hospital.</p><p>He freezes when he catches sight of one of the albums. The cover stares back at him with a pair of blue eyes, soft lips, and brown hair. <em>Niall has a CD?</em></p><p>Before he can think too much longer about this, Rosie barks and he looks up to see the light has turned green. <em>Wow</em>, he thinks, putting his foot on the gas. <em>She’s good.</em> He pops Niall’s CD inside his stereo and waits, heart beating faster.</p><p>The first song starts with a combination of guitar keys and a synth. Even though this isn’t usually the type of genre Zayn listens to, it’s really catchy and he can’t help but dance a little bit in his seat. He thinks he sees some dancing from the passenger seat too, but that’s probably just his imagination.</p><p>As soon as Niall’s voice enters the picture, Zayn starts to smile. He sounds so amazing – like he’s having the time of his life recording this song. Still, Zayn can’t help but wonder – what does this mean? How did Niall manage to record an album in between all the recording they have to do as a band? Did Niall leave? Why didn’t he take Zayn with him?</p><p>Zayn sighs. He’s doing it again; the question asking thing. It seems no matter how hard he tries to relax and just let the memories show up when they’re ready, he always finds a way to create problems in his head. He supposes he’s always been that way though, amnesia or not; anxiety is good for that.</p><p>When the next song starts, Zayn’s eyes bulge out and he almost hits the gas too hard (but stops himself just in time, thankfully). This song, he’s heard this one before. He turns it up a little bit louder and listens, once again in awe of Niall’s voice. In this song, Niall sounds a lot more tentative, like he’s scared of what the people who hear it are going to think.</p><p>Just then, a memory flashes in Zayn’s head. It’s a conversation he had via text messages with Niall, when this song first came out.</p><p>
  <em><strong>Zayn:</strong> niall , the new song is sick! you did a great job babe!.xx<br/>
<strong>Niall:</strong> thank u zayn , i’m very nervous …<br/>
<strong>Zayn:</strong> you don’t need to be. fans will luv it. :D<br/>
<strong>Niall:</strong> r u sure? i rly rly want them to …<br/>
<strong>Zayn:</strong> of course i am. anyone who doesn’t , doesn’t know talent when they hear it.<br/>
<strong>Niall:</strong> :) thank u zayn i love you.<br/>
<strong>Zayn:</strong> i love you 2 babes xx</em>
</p><p>Zayn smiles. It’s not the kind of memory he thought would be the first one he’d recover, but he’s happy for it all the same. He hopes Niall knew he was being sincere; Niall always puts himself down and it makes Zayn really upset because he’s such a wonderful person.</p><p>He spends the rest of the drive listening to the entire album. None of the other songs unlock any new memories for him, but it’s nice to listen to Niall’s voice all the same. When it’s time for the first song to start over again, Zayn has arrived in his driveway. He ejects the CD and puts it back in its case.</p><p>With a deep breath and a little nudge from Rosie, Zayn takes the keys out of the ignition and goes to see what waits for him in a home he doesn’t remember.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Who Am I?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Although he has intentions to do something else, the first thing Zayn does when he gets inside is find the bed. He doesn’t even change out of his clothes into pajamas or anything else that might be in his drawers before falling asleep. The day has just started, but it feels like it’s already been too long.</p><p>When he wakes up three hours later, at first he doesn’t remember where he is. This definitely doesn’t look like the hospital bed. Oh yeah, that’s right, he remembers. He’s in his home. Even though, as he finally takes the time to look around, it doesn’t look like the last one he remembers.</p><p>“Guess I better, like, take a look around or something,” he says. His tummy grumbles back at him; he’ll have to do something about that later.</p><p>The first thing he notices is how unmistakably clean it is. Sure, there is a fly or two coming in from the window, but overall everything is spotless. He shakes his head, not understanding.</p><p>He goes into what appears to be the dining room, recognizing some of the paintings nailed to the walls as his own. There’s one drawing that isn’t his but feels like it has a meaning to him. He can feel it, it’s right there, but he just can’t catch the memory in his hands. He looks away from it for now – staring at it without understanding why it’s special just makes him feel worse.</p><p>When Zayn turns, he notices a piece of paper on the table. He walks over to it and picks it up. It reads:</p><p>
  <em>Dear Zayn,<br/>after we left the hospital we decided to work together to freshen up your house so that you wouldn’t have to worry about it when you got back.<br/>We love you so much.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>- Yaser, Trisha, Doniya, Waliyha, and Safaa<br/>P.S. look in the refrigerator</em>
</p><p>As if on cue, Zayn’s stomach starts growling again. He sniffles, thinking about how much he loves his family. When he opens the refrigerator, he almost lets out a gasp at how much food his mum cooked for his return. <em>Oh my gosh</em>, he thinks to himself. <em>I love mummy so much</em>.</p><p>He grabs a dish and heats up the samosas in the microwave. After nothing but hospital food for days, ‘saving the best for last’ is not a policy he wants to follow. When they are done heating up, he sits down at the dining room table and moans at the taste unashamedly. Rosie lurks nearby, hoping a samosa piece will fall down in range of her mouth.</p><p>***</p><p>After taking Rosie for a walk, Zayn spends the remainder of his day looking through his drawers and shelves, finding many relics even if he doesn’t totally understand why they’re important. There is one thing he remembers crystal clear though: his song book. He opens it, and smiles as he flips through each page.</p><p>Some of them are scribbled all over, some of them are written in perfect pen with no pauses. Some of them are embarrassing to him, but he knows his heart was in them at the time and therefore they don’t bother him. He comes across a certain note in the book and pauses.</p><p>
  <em>Heard about all the things you’ve done<br/>and all the wars that you’ve been in<br/>heard about all the love you lost<br/>it was over before it began</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Heard about all the miles you’ve gone<br/>just to start again</em>
</p><p>All at once he can hear himself recording this song in the studio, surrounded by people the band don’t usually work with. He isn’t sure what to make of this memory because his songs don’t usually get chosen to be on One Direction albums. Was one of his songs finally picked? And who were all those people? Certainly none of them looked like Julian Bunetta or anyone else usually around.</p><p>His thoughts are interrupted by a notification on his phone. He opens it, hoping it’s not a text from one of those numbers he doesn’t recognize; they’ve been texting him a lot lately. He smiles when he sees it’s a text from Niall.</p><p>
  <em>hey Z . its niall (in case u didn’t have this number already) . just wanted to know how everything is going . always here for you bro .xx</em>
</p><p>Even though it’s really short, being able to hear from somebody other than Rosie is nice. He has never minded being alone, but it’s still nice that somebody cares to check up on him.</p><p>
  <em>of course i have your number, silly. im ok. feel a lil strange in here, but rosie keeps me company aha x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Niall:</em>
  </strong>
  <em> i bet , glad u have rosie 2 take care of u tho . thank her 4 me .<br/><strong>Zayn:</strong> *laughing emoji* will do.<br/><strong>Zayn:</strong> btw, listened 2 your album on the way down. was sick ! xx<br/><strong>Niall:</strong> oh , u did ? what was ur favorite ?<br/><strong>Zayn:</strong> probs you and me, you sounded wonderful on that one ! :) xx</em>
</p><p>He sounded wonderful on all of them, really, but You And Me reminded Zayn of a lot of his own favorite songs.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Niall:</em>
  </strong>
  <em> thx Z . :) m glad u liked it .xx<br/><strong>Zayn:</strong> no prob x<br/><strong>Zayn:</strong> will i get 2 c you sometime soon?</em>
</p><p>This time it takes Niall a long time to respond. Maybe Zayn shouldn’t have sent that; Niall has more important priorities than him. Heck, for all Zayn knows the man could be all the way back in the UK or Ireland by now. Just when he’s about to call it quits and put his phone away, he gets a new reply.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Niall:</em>
  </strong>
  <em> i don’t know if it’s a good idea for us to meet up, zayn. your parents and sisters really want you to make progress on your own. i would probably make things worse instead of better.</em>
</p><p>This reply fills Zayn with both pride and anger. Pride that his family care so much about his well-being, but anger that they’ve obviously been talking to his friend behind his back. He starts typing.</p><p>
  <em>you wouldnt make things worse, i need human interaction eventually yah? please x</em>
</p><p>If it’s possible to hear a sigh through a text message screen, Zayn just did.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Niall:</em>
  </strong>
  <em> ok … what do u wanna do ?<br/><strong>Zayn:</strong> lunch on wednesday at 12?<br/><strong>Niall:</strong> ok sounds good .xx<br/><strong>Zayn:</strong> yay , c you there ! x</em>
</p><p>Niall sends back a thumbs up emoji. Zayn is glad Niall cares so much about him but, like he said in the text, if he <em>never </em>hangs out with his friends he definitely can’t get any better. He puts his song book and phone away, deciding to look around the house some more.</p><p>If Zayn knows himself at all, there is definitely an art studio room somewhere in here. He sets off to find it, Rosie trailing happily behind him as soon as she sees him.</p><p>“Do you remember where it is?” he asks her, petting her head. She looks up at him, puzzled. “Yeah, me neither. But I’m itching to draw or paint something, y’know?” Rosie just continues to have the same puzzled look on her face. “Well, true, I guess you don’t know. Dogs don’t really paint do they?”</p><p>Zayn continues moving, accompanied by Rosie’s wagging tail and occasional noises here and there. He opens the first door he sees and gets the bathroom. Rosie looks weirdly intrigued by the toilet. “Don’t even think about it,” he tells her, closing the door again. She pouts at him when he does so, but he will not be persuaded this time.</p><p>There are only two other rooms downstairs after that. The first one is a guest bedroom; he takes a moment to admire the fact that his family expertly cleaned this room as well, even if he won’t be using it for a while. The second one is exactly what he was hoping for, and he breaks into a huge grin when he sees the familiar sight of spray paint on his walls.</p><p>Not familiar in the sense that he recognizes everything on here, but familiar in the way he supposes a guitar would feel to Niall, or a full bookshelf would feel to a librarian. That piece of your soul realized in the physical world in front of you.</p><p>He turns the light on so that he can see everything more clearly. As soon as he does he sighs romantically, feeling so happy to see all of the graffiti he has already created in here. He looks back down at Rosie for a second. “You can stay here, as long as you don’t rip anything. The second you rip anything, you’re out, yeah?” Rosie just pouts up at him. He pets her head again and then goes over to his papers and boxes of spray paint, already having a few ideas.</p><p>As he goes to grab a piece of paper he notices that he has some designs that he must have started before getting in the car crash. He puts them aside, promising to come back to them when he’s ready. Then he grabs a blank sheet, a stencil, and sits down on the couch in the room, where he proceeds to draw what’s on his mind.</p><p>Ocean waves immediately form themselves on the page, gently crashing onto the sand at the end of the paper. On the sand he draws a tiny shell, just one. One shell left to live on the sand separate from the others.</p><p>He’s having so much fun adding all these details that he doesn’t want to stop, but of course he ultimately has to pause in order to shake out the pain in his hand from moving so much. Rosie comes closer, and he carefully holds the drawing away from her in his other hand. She puts her head under his drawing hand and, as he runs his hand down her fur, he silently wonders if he trained her to do this or if she’s just very smart.</p><p>After a few moments of that, Zayn moves to another side of the room, finishes the last of his stenciling, and grabs his supplies for the next step of the process. Rosie must not be a fan of this part, because as soon as he starts shaking the first bottle, she leaves the room. <em>Oh well</em>, he thinks as he sprays blue on top of the waves. <em>We can talk more later.</em></p><p>Zayn always feels like he’s outside his own body when he spray paints – but not in a bad way. It feels like he’s not really moving his hands at all, but is watching the wall transform itself on its own. Blue waves, yellow sand, blue sky, yellow sun. It’s a wonderful feeling, actually.</p><p>The hardest part is the lone shell on the shore. He has to be very careful to make sure the purple spray paint outlines only the shell and not the sand. Despite his precautions a tiny bit of purple still reaches the sand, but mistakes are bound to happen in art.</p><p>By the time it’s up on the wall, Zayn is sweating tremendously. Not to mention he’s hungry again. He takes his time putting his materials away, now that his art buzz is over. As he does so, he thinks about what to snack on. He saw that delicious looking chicken in the freezer, as well as the pizza. Goodness, his family really pulled out all the stops for his return.</p><p><em>It’s nice to have a consistent meal schedule going</em>, he thinks to himself. He remembers how when he was on tour and felt out of control of his life, he would skip meals altogether. He’s glad he’s in a place right now where he feels at least in control enough to have a consistent meal schedule.</p><p>When Zayn gets to the kitchen, he gapes at the clock when he sees what time it is. No wonder he’s hungry! He was in that room for four hours! Forget snacks, it’s time for dinner.</p><p>It amazes him every time that he can spend hours doing art and it won’t feel close to how much time has actually passed. Of course he knew he had been in there a while – but four hours?</p><p>Zayn goes to the freezer to get the pizza and warm it up. He doesn’t have the patience to heat up the oven and make a whole chicken, because as soon as he saw what time it was his hunger doubled and now his tummy is threatening to fall out.</p><p>***</p><p>A few more days pass of Zayn doing pretty much the same routine: waking up, eating, walking Rosie, eating again, spending a few hours spray-painting, eating again, and wasting time before going back to sleep. He hasn’t checked the Internet much at all recently; part of him feels like he should, to give his fans an update and reassure them that he is okay. However, the bigger part of him doesn’t want to see racists blaming him for the cancellation of the tour.</p><p>It’s been nice, actually. Not having anywhere to go or anyone to listen to other than Rosie, being able to actually get a good amount of sleep for the first time in years (although he has woken up in the middle of the night more than once out of habit), and he’s even written something new into his songbook. As nice as it is, however, there’s this voice in the back of his mind reminding him that this can’t last forever as much as he wants it to.</p><p>Zayn wonders why nobody from One Direction’s team has contacted him yet. It’s not like it’s ever mattered how sick or tired you were, as long as you could sing. He’s received lots of messages from family, friends, and a few people he doesn’t remember, but nothing from anyone on One Direction’s team. What are they waiting for?</p><p>His phone beeps, letting him know that there are only fifteen minutes to go until he and Niall are supposed to meet for lunch. He should start getting ready now; he doesn’t know how many people will get in his way on his journey there.</p><p>He grabs a random pair of jeans and a sweatshirt from his closet, puts them on as quickly as he can, and brushes his teeth and hair. He stares in the mirror for a few moments too long, as evidenced by his phone giving him another warning. He breathes out; it’s pretty ridiculous to be worried about what Niall of all people will think of how he looks, but the last time Niall saw Zayn was in a hospital bed, so Zayn wants to do everything to erase that image from the other man’s head. With two final light applications of blush, he puts everything up and hurries to get to the restaurant on time.</p><p>“Goodbye Rosie!” he calls on his way out. “Make sure not to leave any ‘presents’ while I’m gone, yeah?” she just blinks at him as he closes and locks the door. He’s not actually worried about her making a mess of things while he’s gone; in the few short days he’s been here she’s always stuck to keeping it in until it’s time for walks.</p><p>Zayn steps out onto the zebra crossing with a bunch of other people, since the “walk” sign is already on. Most New Yorkers couldn’t care less whether the sign says “walk” or not as long as they’re in a scenario where they could safely get across. Zayn has always listened to the signs though, just to be sure he is keeping himself and everyone around him safe.</p><p>As soon as he reaches the other side, he already knows it’s going to be an annoying trip. There are so many tourists out who clearly don’t know where they’re going or what they’re doing, but are pausing to take pictures of everything they see. He takes a deep breath in. At any other time this would probably be adorable to him – people being as starstruck over New York City as he was his first time around – but when he’s trying to go see Niall as fast as possible, it’s not cute at all.</p><p>Zayn reaches in his pocket and turns on a song, hoping that having music in his ears will make things go by faster. While he’s on his homepage he sees a text from Niall saying that he’s on the way. He types a text back: “ok, m stuck behind tourists will b there asap.x” and then goes to his Music app to select a song to listen to.</p><p>As the music starts, Zayn starts walking to the beat. He carefully weaves around the sidewalk to get past a group of five tourists. <em>So much for being safe</em>, his conscience tells him, but he ignores that. If he has to take a risk now to make sure he’s on time to see Niall, he’s going to do it. He just hopes none of these tourists recognize who he is and ask for a picture; he likes to think he’s mastered being incognito, but he also knows you should never underestimate a One Direction fan.</p><p>After he weaves around a second group, he decides to stop doing that for a little while because being that close to moving cars, slow as they are, really does scare him. He hums softly to the song in his earbuds, smiling because he’s almost there now. He looks up and admires the beautiful sky; even if it’s a little chilly, the sun is still shining down on him in its bright glory. A slight breeze passes him, accenting the already pungent smell of garbage left to rot in the streets. He covers his nose; will he ever get used to that smell?</p><p>Zayn’s brought back to the scene in front of him when the people in front of him stop abruptly, causing him to stop abruptly too. He almost falls over, and barely stops himself from cursing. He can just see the restaurant on the other side of the next zebra crossing, and these people choose <em>now</em> to stop walking? He looks at the time on his phone and this time he does curse silently.</p><p>One slow, agonizing minute passes where he picks out shapes of clouds in the sky. Finally, the crowd moves again. Zayn goes across the zebra crossing and removes himself from the rest of the crowd, walking up the entrance to the restaurant. Before opening the door, he sends a quick text to Niall that says “here! x”. His nose instantly fills with smells of fried vegetables and baked chicken, among others. It practically makes him salivate on the spot.</p><p>When he reaches the host, they give him a look like their shift is about to end and they’ve had enough of this day. “Just one?” they greet half-heartedly.</p><p>“Uh, actually my friend is already here,” Zayn tells them, trying to send a look of sympathy their way. “Niall Horan?”</p><p>The host is unwavered by Zayn’s sympathetic gaze. “Yeah, alright. I’ll take you there.” They step out and motion for Zayn to follow them.</p><p>The host leads Zayn into the private booth where Niall is seated. As soon as Zayn sees the other man’s face, his heartbeat increases. One day he will be used to that brown hair and stubble, but today is not that day.</p><p>“Hey,” Zayn greets with a little bit of effort. He barely hears the host say that Barbara will be here soon to take the boys’ orders.</p><p>“Hey,” Niall responds, taking a sip of beer. It’s definitely not the first sip he’s taken. Zayn realizes that the waiter never asked him what he would like to drink. He looks down and sees a warm cup of water with teas and sugars beside it. “Didn’t know if, like, you’d already had your morning caffeine fix today. If you have, can always send for something else.”</p><p>Zayn smiles, putting his hand carefully on the mug. The water isn’t boiling anymore, but it should still be hot enough to steep the teabag. “I have, but like, always up for some more.” He sprinkles in two sugar packets and twirls the teabag by its string.</p><p>Niall shakes his head, drinking some more. “Mmm-mm-mmm. Bad habits.”</p><p>“Says the one drinking beer when it’s barely noon,” Zayn banters back.</p><p>Niall just shrugs, having no response. Zayn forces himself to look down at the menu, even though he has a fair idea of what he wants already based on the types of foods he smells. He just wants something to calm the tingling sensation in his body.</p><p>After a few moments of staring at the menu and saying nothing, the waiter (Barbara, Zayn remembers) shows up to take their orders. Both of them order hamburgers, keeping it simple today. Niall also orders a side of chips. When they take away Zayn’s menu, he removes the teabag from his cup since it’s been four minutes and takes an appreciative first sip. “Mmm. Louis would approve, I bet.”</p><p>Niall grits his teeth for a second before twisting into a smile that doesn’t look quite real – but that’s probably just Zayn’s anxiety. After a second too long, Niall laughs and says, “Louis would never approve of you putting one teaspoon of sugar in your cup, let alone two.”</p><p>“True,” Zayn responds with a giggle and another sip. “So, you said we’re not on tour right now. Why hasn’t anybody contacted me about recording vocals then?”</p><p>Niall bites his bottom lip and takes a huge swig of beer, clearing out the glass. “Maybe they’re waiting for you to call them, and tell them you’re better.” His hands are shaking, and Zayn knows it’s not the booze.</p><p>Zayn raises an eyebrow. “That doesn’t make any sense, Niall. How would they not know by now? It’s been five days.”</p><p>Niall shakes his head, wiping his hands on his shirt obsessively. “Remember how I said seeing me would make things worse instead of better? This is what I was talking about. Can we just, talk about something else? Please?”</p><p>“What are you not telling me?” Zayn asks, confusion growing with every passing second. He doesn’t like watching Niall be so obviously uncomfortable, but that discomfort makes him want to know even more. “Come on, Niall. If we’re not on tour, why haven’t I been texted about when to return to the studio? And why is it that you have an album and I can remember myself singing a song on my own? I just need to know this – and I promise not to ask anything else.”</p><p>Niall’s eyes glisten and he takes several deep breaths. An internal battle plays out on his features as his face seems to change from denial to bargaining to acceptance. “Alright, you’re right. Okay? We’re not on tour, nor making an album, we… we’ve been on a hiatus for three years.”</p><p>“A hiatus,” Zayn repeats. The word does bring up vague recognition, but nothing he can fully put his finger on at this moment. “So we’re, like, all creating our own stuff then?” Niall nods, his body still tense but slowly getting less so. “Wow, that’s so sick! Am I any good?”</p><p>That causes Niall to break out of his stupor and laugh loudly. Zayn feels a wave of serotonin for being able to make that happen. “You’re amazing, Zayn. Absolutely killing it.”</p><p>Zayn smiles wider, the sound of Niall’s laugh making him giggle too. After that, the awkwardness in the air disappears, and it’s almost like old times again. Zayn still feels like Niall knows more than he does, but that’s also how he feels with just about everybody around him. Barbara brings their food while their giggles are still winding down.</p><p>“Thank you,” Niall and Zayn say at the same time. Barbara notices Niall’s empty glass and asks him if he wants another beer.</p><p>“Think it’s best if I stick to water now, if you don’t mind,” Niall tells them with a nervous giggle. They nod and take the empty glass, going off to get some water.</p><p>A moment passes with only the sounds of chewing before Niall speaks again. “So,” he says, not even done chewing his current chip. “How have you been the past few days? Have you unlocked any more memories?”</p><p>Zayn shrugs one shoulder, thinking. “Nothing, like, huge I guess. I was looking through my song book the day you texted me and when I landed on this one song, I saw myself recording it in the studio.” Niall nods, soaking another chip in a mountain of ketchup. “It was weird, but it also felt, like, wonderful too. Like I had never been happier.”</p><p>He starts to hide his face, afraid he sounds too cheesy or that he has somehow offended Niall by saying the happiest Zayn’s ever been in his life was without him.</p><p>“I understand completely,” Niall says. Zayn uncovers his face in surprise. “We made some cool stuff together but nothing compares to being in an actual studio, surrounded by people you love, singing songs you thought of all on your own.” He sniffles and Zayn hopes it’s not time for another crying session.</p><p>It’s not, apparently. Niall wipes his nose with a napkin and then proceeds to go back to chewing. His eyes never leave Zayn’s face, and Zayn takes that to mean he’s still waiting for Zayn to respond. Having Niall’s undivided attention makes him feel warm.</p><p>“Definitely,” Zayn says, nodding. Niall summed it up so perfectly that he doesn’t have anything else to add. He takes another bite of his own burger. “So, what have you been up to?”</p><p>“Well, I’m currently on tour,” Niall tells him. “Tomorrow I perform in Darien.”</p><p>“Wait,” Zayn intercepts, feeling guilty. “You came to have lunch with me even though you have a concert tomorrow?” He frowns, thinking about how Niall was probably also on tour during the hospital visit and didn’t tell him. “I didn’t mean to get in the way of your work…”</p><p>“Are you kidding?” Niall says, looking offended that Zayn would ever imply such a thing. “I would rather be here than in my hotel.” He puts three chips in his mouth at once. “Besides, what’s a six hour trip to guys like us?” He laughs, trying to ease the mood. Zayn still feels slightly guilty, like he took Niall away from something important, but the feeling gets less and less with each smile.</p><p>They talk for a little bit longer after their food is finished. Zayn is the one who ultimately ends the final conversation, not because he wants to stop, but because he knows Niall has a six hour trip ahead of him. Just because Niall may no longer be bothered by long trips doesn’t mean Zayn wants to be the reason he shows up in Darien at 12 am or something.</p><p>With one final hug, Zayn says, “Bye bro. Be sure to tell me all about your adventures, yeah?”</p><p>“Of course,” Niall promises. “And you too. Tell me about all the cool memories you unlock.”</p><p>Zayn giggles and promises to do so. After that, Zayn walks back to his house with a pep in his step. He isn’t even bothered by the traffic this time, too happy to notice how long it takes.</p><p>As soon as he opens the door, Rosie rushes up to greet him, barking and wagging her tail along the way. Zayn giggles and reaches down. “Hey Rosie. Did you really miss me that much?” He pets her head in circles. “Well don’t worry. Uncle Niall took good care of me. He told me I make my own music now. Did you know that?”</p><p>“Ruff,” she responds, panting at him. He giggles again and plants a kiss on her head. He then turns to go to his room, on a mission to listen to his own music. Maybe, he hopes, he will discover some new memories in the process.</p><p>***</p><p>Zayn is back in his graffiti room, where he has set up a loud speaker to play his album. That’s still such a weird thing to say: that Zayn has his own album of songs he thought of and wrote himself. It makes him feel an odd mixture of surprise and joy.</p><p>Which brings him to his graffiti room. At a time like this he needs to draw in order to understand what he’s feeling. He grabs three pieces of paper, not sure if even that will be enough with how emotional he is, and presses play on the album.</p><p>Rosie isn’t a fan of the loud noise, and proves it by making a loud noise of her own. Zayn closes the door on her, rolling his eyes playfully.</p><p>Even though this is only his second listen, he finds his mouth already moving to the words. One of his therapists at the hospital said something about muscle memory surviving in many patients even when psychological memory doesn’t. He supposes that’s what this is.</p><p>Zayn does, actually, remember the second track on the album. It was the very first song he ever released, and his fans loved it so much it went to number one. He smiles; this memory didn’t come back to him in a jolt like some of his other memories, it was just something that showed up gently when he listened to the song.</p><p>Humming along to the music, Zayn starts drawing things. The first thing he draws is a cup of coffee – then he decides to make Bruce Wayne drink it. <em>Even though bats are nocturnal I bet even they need caffeine from time to time</em>. He giggles at his own joke, wishing somebody else was around to appreciate it.</p><p>Every time he draws, it takes many traces before the lines look the way he wants them to in the final painting on the wall. Unfortunately, a lot of tracing also means a lot of pre-arthritis forming in his hand. Eventually he has to stop for a moment and shake his hand, silently regretting “banishing” Rosie from the room because right now he would love nothing more than to put his hand on her soft fur.</p><p>While Zayn is still shaking, the third song ends and the fourth one begins. The opening lyric of the song strikes him. <em>I’ve done this before, not like this</em>. All of a sudden, he remembers something.</p><p>In his mind, Zayn sees himself in a Las Vegas hotel suite, in the middle of a loud and chaotic party. He turns to someone – a producer, named Malay – and says, “I’ve been here before, but not like this.” Immediately the other man says the two of them should go to the studio, and on the way down the elevator, Malay is already humming a tune.</p><p>The memory makes Zayn smile and fills him up with even more energy. He loves the way this memory feels. For the first time in his life he was recording music just for himself, and he was near someone who understood his vision perfectly and wanted to make it a reality. He also realizes that that name – Malay – is one of the names he’s been seeing texts and calls from but has been ignoring because he didn’t recognize it. He decides that, when he’s done, he will look at those texts and also look up who else helped him with this album to see if he’s been accidentally ignoring anyone else.</p><p>For now though, he returns to his papers and decides that, for the time being, he’s done with this drawing. He doesn’t move to the spray painting portion just yet, choosing to draw all the pictures that come to his mind first and add colors later. On the next piece of paper he draws a giant smiley face with a blunt draping out of its mouth. Zayn giggles at it. A blunt sounds really good; he hasn’t had one recently, mostly because he needs to remember where to get them. He’ll worry about that later though, right now it’s all about art.</p><p>The music carries him through perfecting his lines and fighting against spells of pre-arthritis. His conscience tells him he should stop drawing and take a break, come back to it later, but he doesn’t listen. If he takes a break, he’ll no longer have the ideas he has right now.</p><p>On the third piece of paper, he draws a flower with a heart for a center – inspired by the Urdu saying he was singing a few tracks ago. By now, the album has almost come to a close. He decides to finally listen to his conscience as soon as he’s done perfecting the flower, and give it a rest for the day. Deciding on spray paint colors is not nearly as hard as looking at a completely blank page and deciding what to draw there.</p><p>When he finally unplugs the loud speakers and leaves the room, holding his laptop under his arm, Rosie is on the other side of the door, looking curious. She has no interest in entering the room and possibly tearing up the papers, because she only has eyes for her owner. He smiles at her and puts his hand on her head, her fur already making him feel a million times better. Whether that feeling is legit or all in his imagination, he doesn’t care.</p><p>Zayn and Rosie go into the kitchen, because he needs to eat something and drink some water pronto. He didn’t realize how exhausted he was until he stopped. He’s not exactly surprised to see the sun setting outside the window, but he does have to laugh about it. Setting his laptop down on the table for the time being, he grabs a plate and opens the refrigerator – which has, by this point, been almost completely emptied.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. It can be so lonely in this city</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A few days pass of Zayn feeling very lonely. Even though Rosie is fun to talk to and play with, she still can’t really converse with him the way a human can – but he doesn’t tell her that because it might hurt her feelings. Instead he texts Waliyha that he’s lonely, and a few minutes later she’s asking him if he wants her to come over. The offer causes Zayn to sniffle. His sisters are so sweet to him.</p><p><strong> <em>Zayn:</em> </strong> <em> r you able 2 do that ? dont you hav school ?</em><strong><br/><em>Waliyha:</em> </strong> <em> i graduated last year</em></p><p>Zayn frowns. Even though he has gotten a fair amount of memories back now, keeping track of everybody’s ages – especially his sisters’ ages – is still something he’s struggling with.</p><p><strong> <em>Zayn:</em> </strong> <em> well , would luv 2 see you .xx</em><strong><br/><em>Waliyha:</em> </strong> <em> alright, c you in a day or two… your dishes better be clean when i get there xx</em></p><p>Zayn giggles. <em>It’s clear mum has rubbed off on her</em>, he thinks with a smile. As he gets ready to take Rosie on her daily walk, he thinks about things he wants to tell Waliyha when she gets here. He definitely wants to show her his newest designs on the graffiti wall, and tell her about his lunch with Niall. He’s more excited to find out about what she’s been up to – what she’s been doing since leaving school, if she has any plans to go to Uni, etc. He won’t badger her, of course, but he’s still a big brother first and foremost.</p><p>***</p><p>The day Waliyha comes over to visit Zayn, he makes sure everything is perfect. He puts a fresh cloth over the table, cooks fresh food, and even cleans off the seats. Most brothers would probably not spend so much time cleaning to welcome their sisters (if they even bothered to clean at all) but Zayn wants his sister to know he’s taking care of himself – and he also wants to prevent as much teasing as he can.</p><p>Before he knows it, Rosie is barking at the door to let Zayn know a “stranger” is on the way. He smiles, walking over to the door and grabbing Rosie’s leash. He looks out the window just to be sure, and after confirming it’s Waliyha, he skips happily outside.</p><p>“Oh my gosh Zayn!” Waliyha says, exhaustion pouring out from her as she leaves the taxi. She waves away the taxi driver with a smile and then groans as soon as they drive away. “It took, like, an hour to get from the airport to here. I don’t understand how Americans do it.”</p><p>“I once read something that said, like, one hundred miles is a long way to Brits and one hundred years is a long time to Americans,” Zayn offers, smiling. Rosie has stopped barking now that she realizes she knows who Waliyha is. She sniffs at Waliyha eagerly as if she would probably jump on her if it weren’t for the leash.</p><p>Waliyha shakes her head. “Well, one hundred miles <em>is</em> a long way. Rosie agrees with me too.” Rosie wags her tail as Waliyha pets her fur over and over again.</p><p>Zayn giggles. “Okay, you’re right, it is. But it’s also optimal napping time.” He holds the door, gesturing for Waliyha to enter.</p><p>“Oh, am I a lady now?” she teases as she steps through the door, Rosie excitedly pulling the leash towards her. “Letting me come in first and all?”</p><p>“Nah, I was just saving the best for last,” he banters back with a smirk. As if she understands what Zayn just said, Rosie promptly moves behind him, wiggling as she goes. The two siblings crack up at that, with Zayn almost losing his balance on the leash with how hard he’s laughing.</p><p>After their laughs have calmed down, Zayn takes the leash off of Rosie and leads Waliyha into the dining room. Upon seeing the food on the table, Waliyha’s mouth opens in delight. Zayn takes a seat and motions for his guest to do the same.</p><p>“Wow Zayn,” she says, sitting down on the chair to his left. “I’m impressed. You’re sure none of this is stuff mum left in the freezer?”</p><p>He rolls his eyes with a smile and lightly pushes her. “Give me some credit, I’m not totally incompetent on my own.”</p><p>“Yeah, alright, you’re not <em>totally</em> incompetent,” she says with a wink and a laugh.</p><p>Both of them diverge into eating their food, not saying much but content to be in each other’s presence. Zayn knows he had questions he wanted to ask her, but he suddenly can’t remember what ninety percent of them were. Just being next to his sister is enough to make him feel fuzzy inside.</p><p>Still chewing, Waliyha looks up and something on the wall seems to catch her eye. He follows her gaze and sees that it’s the drawing he saw when he first got here, the one he felt an immediate connection to but couldn’t figure out why. He still doesn’t know why, actually.</p><p>“You kept it?” she asks him. He looks at her with confusion, not understanding what that question means. Noticing his confusion, she has a lightbulb moment. “Right. You don’t remember. That drawing was made for you by your ex-girlfriend, Gigi. You two broke up right before you moved into this flat.”</p><p>“Gigi,” he repeats, feeling his heartbeat jump a little bit when he says the name.</p><p>His brain suddenly feeds him a memory: a blonde pale woman – Gigi – is hugging him goodbye with tears in her eyes. Zayn has tears in his own eyes too. Before they part from each other, Gigi asks him to promise her he will be kind to himself. He promises, and they say goodbye.</p><p>It’s a quick memory, but extremely emotionally revealing. Yes, he remembers her now. In the present, Zayn’s eyes are wet and he wonders why his brain chose to unlock that memory in particular at a time that’s supposed to be happy for him. Without saying anything, his sister scooches her chair closer and wraps her arms around him.</p><p>With hands over his eyes, Zayn mumbles, “This is not how I wanted our reunion to go.” Waliyha still doesn’t say anything, just lets him cry it all out in her arms. He feels silly, almost, having a full on bawl session over one little memory – but that one little memory was like a domino, taking down a bunch of other memories and emotions with it. Although he still can’t access all of them, he feels them – feels how much he loved Gigi and thought the two of them would be together forever.</p><p>Eventually, food forgotten, Zayn leads Waliyha over to the TV. “Uh, wanna watch something?” he asks, still sniffling ever so slightly.</p><p>“Sure,” she says, taking a spot next to him on the couch. “Whatever you wanna watch.”</p><p>He clicks the ‘on’ switch on the remote and starts flicking through channels. Honestly he isn’t really that interested in anything on right now, but he needs to watch something in order to get his mind off Gigi. He stops on a rerun of Britain’s Got Talent, because it makes him remember something.</p><p>“Hey, do you know what Louis’ been up to?” he asks his sister, turning the volume down. She hums questioningly, facing him with raised eyebrows. “When I was at the hospital, Liam said that Louis was judging on X Factor and couldn’t come to see me. I just wonder what he’s up to right now.”</p><p>She bites down on her lip, looking back at the TV. He can tell her mind isn’t really on the show. Several minutes pass with the faint sounds from the TV and the wind from outside the windows. All Zayn can think is that if Waliyha didn’t know the answer then she wouldn’t be taking this long to say that, which leads to his anxiety creating numerous ideas that he doesn’t want to be thinking of, like the possibility that Louis could have died while Zayn’s been here and nobody wanted to tell him.</p><p>Finally, she speaks again. “I haven’t really, like, spoken to Louis in a while. He’s probably, like, really busy with X Factor and his baby, Freddie.”</p><p>Zayn snaps out of his anxious thoughts spiral when he hears those last two words. “Louis has a <em>baby</em>?” She nods and he puts his hand on his head, absolutely thrown by this. He had always thought that out of all of them, Harry would be the first one to have a baby. Or maybe even himself. “Did he and Eleanor get, like, married?”</p><p>She laughs, although there’s a bit of discomfort in it. “No, no. I don’t even think he was with Eleanor when it happened. I think it was like, an accident.”</p><p>He shakes his head. This is too much to absorb at once; not only does Louis have a baby, but apparently he has a baby with someone who isn’t Eleanor. He tries to picture Louis breaking up with Eleanor, or her with him, for any reason, and it doesn’t make sense. She was often the only one who kept him sane during all the long hours they had to work. The two of them made Zayn believe in fairytales.</p><p>Zayn decides it’s time to stop absorbing new information, actually, and instead focus on this rerun of Britain’s Got Talent. He turns to the screen, turning the volume up, and snuggles next to Waliyha. Rosie has also decided to join the party, jumping up on both of their laps and taking a nice snooze while getting petted by two of her favorite people.</p><p>***</p><p>Zayn half expects Waliyha to leave the very next morning, but she doesn’t. “I have five days until Uni starts up, so I’m all yours for the next four days.”</p><p>Hearing that makes him happy. He could never relate to kids at school who said they wished they were only children. Having one of his sisters around makes him feel whole. It’s also a nice distraction from the desire to spend the day on his phone, a desire that showed up full force last night when Waliyha told him Louis has a baby.</p><p>Zayn still sends a small text to Louis asking how he and his son are doing. After that, he puts his phone in his pocket and asks Waliyha what she wants to do about breakfast. “I’ve always wanted to try Waffle House – is there one of those nearby?”</p><p>“Unfortunately not,” he says. He’s always surprised when he can’t find a certain restaurant anywhere in New York City, since he tends to think of it as being a place for pretty much every restaurant known to Americans. “There’s an IHOP, if you’d like that?”</p><p>She shakes her head. “Nah, not really in the mood for IHOP. Can we just go to, like, a locally owned diner instead?”</p><p>“Sure,” Zayn responds, already having one in mind. “There’s a really cool one, like, five minutes away if we walk; twenty-five minutes away if we drive.” Waliyha shakes her head, probably at the difference between the two numbers, but ultimately tells him that she’s up for walking there if he is.</p><p>Neither of them say very much on the walk there, both because it’s such a short walk and because the two of them have never needed to fill the space with words every second of the day. Zayn once read that silence can be a love language, and he supposes that’s true – it definitely has been for him and his family.</p><p>When they get there, Waliyha orders the chicken and waffles and Zayn orders a veggie omelette. The two of them take sips of their coffees, filled with various amounts of sugar and cream, until Zayn realizes it’s been a full day and he still hasn’t asked her about what she’s doing post-high school. He feels selfish to have spent all of yesterday on his own emotional baggage without once asking her about herself.</p><p>“So,” he starts. She raises an eyebrow, most likely already knowing that he’s about to ask her something personal. She has known him long enough to know all his tricks. “You mentioned Uni earlier today. Are you, like, excited about that?”</p><p>“Yes,” she confirms with a wide smile. “I’m going to study childcare. And I’ll definitely be using everything I know on the cats and dogs at home.” She winks.</p><p>“That’s really sick!” he tells her, giggling at that last part. “Maybe you’ll be able to use what you learn on Rosie too.” He also winks, and she laughs before taking a sip of coffee.</p><p>Zayn’s never been to Uni himself but he thinks he would like to go one day and get his own degree. He really likes learning, and money – the thing that usually holds people back from getting a good education – really wouldn’t be an issue.</p><p>Zayn takes the stir stick he used earlier and puts it back in the mug, watching it swirl around. He doesn’t add any more sugar – he would probably vomit if he did so – but simply enjoys the look of the stir stick making the liquid dance all around the mug. He zones out doing this, having fun making the stir stick go in different patterns other than a circle, and doesn’t even realize the coffee has gone cold until the waiter brings more.</p><p>In addition to more coffee, the waiter also brings their food. Zayn carefully moves his mug out of the way to make room for an omelet that is definitely much bigger than it looked on the menu. <em>Americans really do like their food in huge quantities</em>, he thinks, half with appreciation and half with terror.</p><p>Looking at Waliyha it seems she’s thinking the same thing. Ultimately though, they both shrug and dig in. In the first bite, Zayn’s mouth is a rainbow of eggs, avocados, tomatoes, and a few other vegetables he can’t quite place the names of.</p><p>He looks up at his sister and sees that she’s taking a huge bite of the chicken and looking like she’s in Heaven. Neither of them care that the food has just come out of the kitchen and is therefore super hot; they’re both completely okay with burning their mouths for the delicious tastes.</p><p>As he’s chewing, he can’t help but think about how much Waliyha has grown up. He’s sure it would be shocking whether he had amnesia or not. After so many years of never seeing his family for more than a week (if that), whenever he finally does get to see them he can’t help but get emotional about how much his sisters have changed – and also stayed the same.</p><p>The omelette changes from burning to reasonably hot. Zayn looks around at the other people gathered in the diner; at the table to their left is what looks like two parents and their baby. The baby is crying and the couple are exasperated from trying different ways to make them stop. On their right are two teenagers, looking everywhere but at each other.</p><p>Sometimes when he watches other people in public spaces, he tries to imagine what their story is. Those two teenagers are probably on a first date, trying to not embarrass themselves (but they will anyway, because that’s the way teen-hood is). The parents were probably hoping that they could have a nice breakfast before one of them has to head off to work, but their baby has proven to require more attention than they originally thought. All of these are only his imagination, of course, but it gives his mind a place to go.</p><p>With one final bite, Zayn puts the fork back down on his plate, defeated. As he looks down at the omelette, he realizes he probably only ate two-fifths of all that was there. He looks over at his sister to see if she’s in better shape than him, but she’s left with two waffles and two pieces of chicken on her plate still, and looks like she will throw up if she tries to force them down.</p><p>As if being able to sense their resignation, their waiter returns and asks them if they want to-go containers. Zayn nods, pretty sure his exhaustion shows all over his face. Waliyha shakes her head, saying she probably won’t be in the mood for it tomorrow. As the waiter leaves to go get Zayn’s box and scan his card, he turns to face Waliyha again.</p><p>“So,” she says. “What do you wanna do now?”</p><p>He shrugs. “I don’t know, I was probably just gonna go back home and play video games or summat.”</p><p>She laughs at him, throwing her head back in the process. “Why are you so boring?”</p><p>“I’m not used to having critics,” he chuckles. “Is there something <em>you’d </em>like to do?”</p><p>She looks like she thought he would never ask. “I saw there are some, like, really cool art museums around here. Could we go to one of those?”</p><p>“Sure,” he agrees with a shrug. “But I have to warn you that I’ll probably get too tired to get through the whole thing.”</p><p>She accepts that answer. Before they start towards the museum, however, Zayn goes back home to put his leftovers in the refrigerator. He apologizes to Rosie for leaving her again so soon, but his mean sister is forcing him to ditch her.</p><p>“Stop lying!” Waliyha calls from outside the door while he’s talking to Rosie. “Don’t trick her into hating me!” Rosie just pants and wags her tail as Zayn once again closes and locks the door, giggling.</p><p>This time, they take the long way. As Zayn starts up the engine of his car, Waliyha pulls her seat back and closes her eyes. He laughs at how dramatic she is. <em>How is she even going to get any sleep with the GPS yelling at us every few minutes? </em>he thinks to himself with a smile.</p><p>He decides to turn on the local R&amp;B station, hoping they will play something relaxing enough for Waliyha to fall asleep to. The GPS keeps interrupting his favorite parts of each song, but the music seems to work - either that or she’s just really good at falling asleep. <em>Who does that remind you of? </em>He asks himself with another smile as he hums along to <em>Differences</em> by Ginuwine.</p><p>He once again finds himself coming up with stories for people he sees on the streets outside the window. There’s one person with a hastily-tied-on apron who is practically sprinting through the zebra crossing, not caring who they might run into. It doesn’t take much imagination to figure they are late to work and hoping they don’t get their pay cut short because of it.</p><p>The light turns green and Zayn drives forward, but because he was so far back in line he gets stopped at the same light again. Here he sees a new group of pedestrians, and a few of them are the exact opposite to the late waiter in stature: students taking their sweet time slowly walking on the zebra crossing, almost as if they hope to be late to class. Zayn imagines them showing up in their classrooms on time and sighing because they wished they had been late. It’s a funny image.</p><p>The ride passes with Zayn playing more games like that in his head and, surprisingly, he doesn’t actually mind the slowness and steadiness of the journey as much as he did that first time he drove through New York to get home from the hospital. Maybe it’s because of the music, or because he has his sister by his side this time instead of just Rosie. Whatever the case is, he chooses not to question it and just let the good mood flow through him.</p><p>Before he knows it, they’ve arrived at the Museum of Modern Art. He taps Waliyha on the shoulder to wake her up and takes the keys out of the ignition. Waliyha stretches and blinks her eyes, looking at the sunlight like she forgot it existed. Zayn gives her a minute before he gets out of the door and opens her door for her.</p><p>As if remembering where she is for the first time, her eyes widen and she says, “Oh my gosh!” With a new spring in her step, she races him to the door of the museum (and wins, because he’s too caught off guard to catch up in time).</p><p>As soon as they enter, both siblings’ mouths open wide. The photography and paintings they see there are amazing. According to one of the descriptions on the wall, today is the first day of a new photographer’s exhibit. Zayn stares at a particular black and white photo of a person in a wedding dress, crying, while the other person in a tuxedo is looking at their watch, uninterested. Zayn can’t help but be enchanted by what he interprets as a commentary on how temporary love can be, and how the most beautiful beginnings can have the most tragic endings. He thinks of Gigi and feels a twist in his chest.</p><p>Before he can fully go down that road, Waliyha grabs his arm. “Hey! Let’s go upstairs! I heard they have the original Starry Night here.” That’s enough to shake him out of whatever trance he was about to fall into; seeing the original Starry Night sounds like something that only happens in fairy tales.</p><p>When they finally find it (after trying really hard not to get distracted by other beautiful looking exhibits on their way), Zayn exhales appreciatively. “Wow,” he can’t stop himself from saying.</p><p>“Wow,” Waliyha repeats, just as appreciatively. The two of them stand there staring at it for a moment. Not a long moment, because this is obviously a very in-demand section of the museum, and they don’t want to keep other patrons from enjoying their own moments with the painting.</p><p>They spend a few hours in the museum, and see a lot of amazing displays that Zayn saves in his brain to emulate in his own art one day, but nothing else gets close to the feeling they both got looking at Starry Night. </p><p>As he thinks back on it later that night, he thinks he finally realizes what his fans are talking about whenever they meet him or the others for the first time. Seeing something you have held highly - whether that’s a painting or your favorite singer - in the flesh after only ever looking at it in books and on the computer screen, is absolutely irreplaceable. He’s glad that he can help people experience that same feeling he got looking at the Van Gogh painting.</p><p>***</p><p>Yesterday Zayn was too distracted by the art museum to care about his phone. Tonight, before going to bed, he checks it for a response from Louis and frowns when there isn’t one.</p><p>***</p><p>Zayn isn’t usually the type to care when it takes someone three days to text him back. After all, they’re all adults and have more responsibilities than they used to. However, something in his gut tells him that there’s a reason Louis isn’t responding to his text.</p><p>He thumps his hand on his jeans and bites his lip, trying to will himself to calm down and be more rational – but that feeling refuses to leave, as if it’s trying to send him a message he can’t decode. He sees out of his peripherals that his sister is looking at him now with a raised eyebrow.</p><p>“Zayn, you alright?” she asks, concern etched in her voice.</p><p>He debates telling her that of course, he’s fine, why would she ask? but he’s always been terrible at lying to his family, so he decides not to.</p><p>“I’m, erm, confused. Like, I texted Louis three days ago and he still hasn’t responded.” He laughs nervously, aware of how pathetic that sounds. “And, like, I know he has his own responsibilities to handle, but I keep feeling like he’s avoiding me or something. Is that dumb of me?”</p><p>Waliyha is silent. When he turns to face her, he sees that she’s also biting her lip now and pointedly avoiding eye contact with him. He’s not sure what to make of that, but he doesn’t like it. A few moments pass of uncomfortable silence, with his heartbeat growing more and more intense with each passing second.</p><p>“Zayn, I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you this,” she says, very slowly and carefully. “But since nobody else will, I guess I’ve got to.” His legs move up and down. “Louis… erm, doesn’t talk to you anymore. He changed his phone number after you left the band.”</p><p>Zayn’s eyes widen at that. He left the band? Like, before anybody else did? And Louis changed his number after – or in response to – the fact?</p><p>Something pops into his mind. It’s vague, but it’s there. He was watching, or reading, an interview of Niall, Liam, Harry, and Louis. In the memory, Liam said that all four of them were good with Zayn and he, in turn, was good with them. Even if it’s fuzzy, he can remember his emotions perfectly: betrayal, anger, sadness…</p><p>The realization strikes Zayn like a shot to the heart. He left the band – and after he did his so-called friends ignored his phone calls and pretended in public that everything was okay.</p><p>Suddenly he stands up, whole body trembling. “Waliyha, I think I need to be left alone for a while…”</p><p>“Okay,” she responds with a sniffle. It’s clear by her tone that she isn’t certain he should, in fact, be on his own right now. He isn’t either, really, but he thinks he wants to be. “I’m sorry… I didn’t want to tell you.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” he assures her. “I’m glad you did.” With that, he goes back into his room and closes, then locks, the door.</p><p>He lays down on his bed and, before he can really think about what he’s doing, he reaches for his phone with trembling fingers and types in a number. “Hi Z,” Niall answers. “How goes it?”</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me?” he demands shrilly, tears staining his face. “Were you hoping I would never remember? And that you would never have to apologize to me?”</p><p>“Zayn, what are you talking about?” Niall asks, his voice seeping with worry.</p><p>“I bet I was just a photo op to you and Liam,” Zayn continues, his sniffles overpowering. “I bet you only went to see me in the hospital so that you could get good PR.”</p><p>“That’s not true!” Niall insists, getting choked up. “I went to see you because you’re my friend.”</p><p>Zayn laughs humorlessly. “If I’m your ‘friend’ why did you let them tell lies about me on TV after I left the band? Friends are supposed to stick up for each other.” He grabs a tissue, hearing faintly the sounds of Niall taking deep breaths.</p><p>“Zayn,” Niall says, his breaths broken up by sniffles. “In truth, I didn’t know what to say. I’ve never been good at saying what I need to until it’s too late…” his breath shakes. “And it, it was so hard for me when you left. Every time we had a show, I would look for you in the dressing room and be shaken that you weren’t there.”</p><p>“How do you think I felt Niall?” Zayn hates this. Why did he even call? “Liam said that I was cool with you guys, but he himself wasn’t answering my calls. And then he has the nerve to show up at the hospital pretending to care.”</p><p>Niall is choking on his tears. “I know that. He was trying – we were both trying to make amends. We love you.”</p><p>Zayn shakes his head. “If you do, you sure haven’t shown it very well.”</p><p>“I know,” Niall whispers. “I’m sorry. Please give me another chance.”</p><p>“I’m tired of giving chances,” Zayn says with finality. He hangs up the phone as Niall tries desperately to reply again.</p><p>He clicks the ‘Do Not Disturb’ logo just in case Niall even thinks about redialing, and turns it face down on the table. He doesn’t even want to be in this room anymore. His emotions are too big and right now even his bed would suffocate him.</p><p>He leaves the room, somehow retaining enough sense not to slam the door even though he really wants to. He doesn’t want Waliyha approaching him and asking questions. He makes his way down to the graffiti room, closing the door and locking it.</p><p>Upon entry, Zayn immediately goes to the corner to grab his gas mask and spray paint bottles, completely forgoing the stencils and papers. He sprays red lines and circles, the imagery it creates looking just as disfigured as he feels. He writes “Not Good” in capital black letters, calling back the fuzzy memory where Liam said they were ‘good’ with each other. Even remembering it for a second makes him shake the bottle a little bit harder, paint the letters a little bit sharper.</p><p>Once he’s used up his immediate negative energy, he puts the bottles back where they belong and takes off the gas mask. He’s out of breath, but still not in the mood to return to his sister’s worrisome eyes, so he grabs the papers and stencils and sits on the couch. The first image he comes up with is a skeleton; he’s drawn skeletons many times over the years because he thinks they look really cool, and right now he kind of feels like one. Does that make him cool?</p><p>He chuckles at his own joke, but still doesn’t smile. <em>He’s good with us, and we’re good with him</em>. Zayn decides to make this skeleton’s nose stick out to the end of the page. He wishes that people’s noses actually did get bigger when they lied, so nobody would fall for their garbage.</p><p>After finishing that drawing, he realizes how exhausted he feels. He feels like all of his energy – emotional, mental, and physical – has been used up completely. He sets the papers (both drawn on and blank) on the floor along with the stencils and props his legs on top of the end of the couch, closing his eyes. He just needs a minute, just a few short minutes to let his mind go blank…</p><p>“Zayn!” calls a voice. He looks around at the group of fairies and dragons but the voice in question belongs to none of them. He shrugs and hops onto one of the dragons, ready to complete his quest to rescue the princess. “Zayn come on! Unlock the door!”</p><p>The image of the fairies and dragons starts to fade. Wait, no. He needs to rescue the princess, she’s in danger and – his mind returns to reality. He slowly opens his eyes and grumbles; he wanted to know the ending to that dream!</p><p>Waliyha is still knocking on the door – and he can hear Rosie also making demands to be let in. With one final sigh, he swings his feet from the couch leg onto the floor and walks over to the door to unlock it.</p><p>“Alright,” he says, not hiding his temper. “Come on in, yeah? Make sure Rosie stays close to the door.” He doesn’t wait for a response as he returns to the center of the couch, but he makes sure to leave room on either side for his guests.</p><p>After the door opens, Rosie immediately rushes towards Zayn and jumps on his lap, attempting to give him kisses. Despite his current state of being, he can’t help but smile at her and give her belly rubs when she asks for them.</p><p>Waliyha is a lot more hesitant, taking slow, careful steps to the closest spot on the couch. When she finally sits down she says, “I haven’t seen you in five hours.”</p><p>Zayn turns to her then, noticing how her eyes are glistening. She continues, “I know you said you wanted to be left alone, but I was afraid that you might have been hurt again.”</p><p>Now his own eyes are watering. He didn’t mean to scare her like that. He hadn’t even meant to fall asleep for so long. “I’m sorry, Waliyha.”</p><p>She shakes her head, and he can tell she’s fighting to stop her tears from falling. “Oh gosh, I shouldn’t have told you. I hate for this to be the note we end on…”</p><p>“‘End on’?” he repeats, a fear rising in his chest. He removes his hands from Rosie and leans a little closer to Waliyha. “What are you talking about?”</p><p>Rosie, having her belly abandoned by Zayn, tries to move over to Waliyha, but doesn’t get acknowledged there either. She leaves the couch and walks back out the door. Meanwhile, Waliyha obsessively wipes at her eyes and is clearly trying to say something but can’t make the words come out. Zayn wraps an arm around her, letting her take her time.</p><p>“I have to fly back tonight,” she tells him, finally looking into his eyes again. He takes a deep breath, nods, and bites his lip. “I’m sorry. I wish I could stay longer, but Uni starts in two days and I need time to sleep off the jetlag-” He silences her with his sad smile.</p><p>“It’s okay, Wali,” he says. She lets out a giggle at the nickname he hasn’t used for her in years – before playfully punching him because he knows she hates it. “I’m really happy you came to see me at all, much less for like, a week. I love you.” He gives her a big hug and she hugs back just as hard.</p><p>When they separate, they smile at each other. Then, suddenly realizing something, he says, “You said I was sleeping for five hours.” She nods. “So, like, have you had dinner yet?”</p><p>She shakes her head. “No, was too busy worrying.” His smile starts to turn back into a frown before she playfully punches him again. “Do you have something in mind?”</p><p>“Yep,” he confirms with a smile. “Feel like I owe you a proper home-cooked meal, like. After the first day you were here, yeah?”</p><p>“Okay,” she agrees. “But don’t expect me to like it. That diner from the first morning set my standards pretty high.” He laughs out loud at that and nods. That diner is pretty hard for anyone to beat.</p><p>***</p><p>After dinner, Waliyha calls a taxi and Zayn gives her some dollars, not sure how much she has left after being here for about a week. With a final hug to both Zayn and Rosie, she gets in the car and is driven away. Zayn is still waving after the car is already long out of sight.</p><p>When he goes back to his room and gets ready to go to sleep, he sees he has one missed call and a few unread texts. He clears his notifications and answers none of them before closing his eyes.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Still in my mind sometimes (I must admit it)</h2></a>
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    <p>It’s been several months since Zayn had his confrontation on the phone with Niall. For a while after it first happened, Zayn would cry so much that he couldn’t even focus on his art – not writing anything, not painting anything. He even thought of answering Niall’s texts during those times, and would stare at the message bar, maybe even type something out, before deleting it all and closing his eyes. He spent a lot of time on the phone with his parents and Doniya.</p><p>Now, though, he has mostly moved on. There’s still the occasional outburst that takes him by surprise, but they grow less and less by the day. He has started writing songs again too. He’s not sure the majority of them are good enough to be made into demos, and he only <em>really </em>feels confident about the one he’s calling Entertainer, but it still feels good to be able to write again – whether or not they become demos.</p><p>Putting away his song book for the time being, he goes into the living room to find Rosie. It’s time for her walk. As soon as she sees him, she immediately starts wagging her tail and barking. “Yeah, I know it’s time,” he says with a playful eye roll. He grabs the leash and attaches it to her collar. “Don’t worry, I didn’t forget.”</p><p>As Zayn opens the door and starts to lead her on the path that they both know like the back of their hands (or paws, as the case may be), he frowns. Truth be told, New York City is losing its magic for him. If he had to guess, the reason he moved here in the first place was probably because around here he’s just another face – a speck of dust amongst the masses.</p><p>And while it’s true that he still likes the concept of being invisible, he’s not sure he necessarily wants to be invisible in a place like this anymore. He wants more space. Space that isn’t covered by skyscraper after skyscraper, space that isn’t stained with the smells of week old sodas on the side of the road, space that he doesn’t have to share with a million other people.</p><p>He’s so lost in his thoughts that he almost doesn’t realize Rosie has found a spot to relieve herself. He realizes a few seconds later when he tries to start continuing forward but the leash doesn’t move. He lets out a soft giggle at himself, amused to have zoned out so hard, and proceeds to clean up.</p><p>He spends the rest of the walk imagining his dream place to live: a nice lonesome farmhouse, where he could plant as many flowers as he wanted to, raise as many animals as he wanted to, and never need to interact with anybody he didn’t want to. <em>Yeah, </em>he thinks with a smile. <em>I would love to live in a place like that.</em></p><p>Later, when Zayn takes Rosie back home, he looks around his room. It’s not hard to picture packing it all up quickly, especially since he never finished unpacking everything before the accident – and hasn’t had any energy to do so since leaving the hospital all those months ago. He’s about to continue with his daydream when a notification on his phone interrupts him. Despite the warning feeling in his heart, he opens it.</p><p><strong><em>Niall:</em></strong> <em>hi z … i know it’s been a long time &amp; i’m sure you probably don’t even want to hear from me at all , but i recorded this for you . i hope you’ll listen to it , but i understand if you don’t .</em></p><p>With a freshly trembling finger, Zayn finds himself clicking play on what Niall sent him. As he listens to Niall’s voice on top of one single guitar, he can’t stop himself from tearing up. The lyrics are so vulnerable, so heartbreaking. Niall himself even starts crying during one part of the song.</p><p>
  <em>A thousand miles away from the day that we started / but I’m standing here with you just trying to be honest. / If honesty means telling you the truth, / well I’m still in love with you.</em>
</p><p>Zayn isn’t sure, at first, if he heard that lyric correctly, but as the song goes on and Niall says it again multiple times, he realizes that he did, in fact, hear it correctly. When it ends, he sits there for a moment in shock, not even blinking and instead just staring aimlessly at the phone as he attempts to gather all the thoughts swarming around in his head right now.</p><p>Finally, after what feels like a long amount of time and yet no time at all, he presses the ‘call’ button. Niall picks up after the first ring, immediately sounding breathless. “Zayn? Does this mean you listened to the song?”</p><p>“Yeah… I listened to it…” he’s still trying to process his thoughts. He doesn’t know why he was in such a rush to call, actually. All at once a canal seems to spill open and he starts sobbing. “Why would you tell me that <em>now </em>Niall? Why would you keep that a secret from me all this time and then only tell me when we’re fighting?”</p><p>“I told you,” Niall says. “I’m not good at saying the right things until it’s too late. I’m sorry…”</p><p>Zayn shakes his head several times, trying to get rid of his tears. “I can’t just forgive everything after one song,” he tries and fails to keep his tone even. “But I missed you too. I can’t remember us being this absent from each other before – although it’s possible we were and I’ve just lost that memory.” He laughs humorlessly, and it brings a nervous laugh from Niall as well. “So I, I will give you a chance to earn back my trust. Does that sound fair?” </p><p>He’s shaking, both vocally and physically – although not enough for it to be a panic attack, it’s still enough for him to notice. Niall responds, with the slightest smile in his voice, “Thank you Zayn. I promise I will not take this for granted.”</p><p>He sounds so earnest, Zayn notes as tears threaten to start pouring out again. “Okay, I… I’ve got to go now. Thank-thank you for the song.” He hangs up before Niall can reply, hoping the other man will understand why and not take it as an insult.</p><p>Zayn quickly decides he needs a nap. He has too many thoughts and feelings to deal with right now, and would very much like to not deal with any of them. He silences his phone, turns off the light, and lays down on the pillow. Sleep comes rather quickly, all things considered.</p><p>***</p><p>As the days go on, Zayn finds himself going back to the demo multiple times. Every single time he listens to it, he gets stuck on those two words: ‘in love’. He thinks about it on his walks with Rosie, when he’s writing in his song book, when he’s making dinner. In love. Niall said he was in love with him. Is Zayn in love with Niall too?</p><p>It isn’t something he’s really had time to think about until now. When you’re busy recovering from amnesia and then, later, busy being angry at people who betrayed your trust, who you’re in love with kind of falls to the sidelines.</p><p>He feels guilty for even asking the question because, although he doesn’t remember everything about their relationship anymore, he still feels like it would be a betrayal to Gigi to fall in love with someone else. He knows how ridiculous that is though, because they broke up – and when they did, Gigi asked him to promise to be kind to himself. Being honest about his feelings and not running away from them fits under that definition.</p><p>Zayn definitely feels warm around Niall. At first he may have blamed it on the shock of how different Niall looks compared to how he looked a few years ago, but he has to admit that it’s more than that. <em>Could </em>it be love?</p><p>He sighs and clicks away from the demo, going to his Games tab to play <em>Harry Potter: Wizards Unite</em>. It’s still too much to think about right now; he needs more time to get to (re-)know Niall.</p><p>Before he can get too far in the game, the man of the hour texts him. He clicks on the notification and reads it.</p><p><strong> <em>Niall:</em> </strong> <em> hey z , was wondering if u’d b up 4 a marvel movie night sometime soon ? u , me , liam , and louis ? xx</em></p><p>A Marvel movie night with Niall sounds nice – but he’s not sure about the rest of the company offered.</p><p><strong> <em>Zayn:</em> </strong> <em> i would love a marvel movie night with you , but m not sure i want to see liam and louis …</em><strong><br/><em>Niall:</em> </strong> <em> i know its a lot at once , but they would really like the chance 2 talk 2 u and apologize .</em><strong><br/><em>Zayn:</em> </strong> <em> as long as they know if i’m uncomfortable i have the right to ask them 2 leave …</em><strong></strong><br/><em>Niall:</em>  <em> of course . :) what days work 4 u? they’ll fly here together … they’re on a break in london so whatever works 4 u works 4 us. </em></p><p>Zayn tells him pretty much any day would work, but Friday would probably be best. After Niall sends him a thumbs up, Zayn leaves the text conversation to return to his game. He’s vaguely aware that he’s got that warm feeling in his stomach again. He pays it no mind, choosing instead to let his fingers go on autopilot and his mind go all but blank to anything that isn’t the game in front of his eyes.</p><p>***</p><p>Friday comes and Zayn is rubbing his hands obsessively, sweat building on his forehead. His logic tells him that he shouldn’t be nervous to be in the same room as Liam, Louis, and Niall because he spent years being in the same rooms as them – and also perhaps <em>they </em>should be the nervous ones given that he very well could kick them out – but his anxiety and his logic have never been friends.</p><p>It’s also not lost on him that Harry is not coming with the rest of them. That should probably bother him more than it does, but he was never really that close with Harry in the band. Sure, there were times on stage when Harry would help break Zayn out of his shell, but they weren’t the type to hang out outside of the studio “just-because.”</p><p>He’s already popped some popcorn, though he’s not sure it will still be warm by the time everyone gets here. Actually, when <em>are </em>they getting here? Zayn opens his phone to check his conversation with Niall again, when he hears the doorbell ring.</p><p>Taking one final deep breath, Zayn goes over and opens the door. Rosie is barking and coming over to greet the new strangers; in all the anxiety going on in his own head, he forgot all about her. He barely has time to react as she sprints over to the three men at the door, demanding their attention.</p><p>Niall greets her with pets and baby talk. “Hey, you must be Rosie. I have heard so much about you.” He picks her up and starts rubbing her belly, but turns his face back to Zayn. There’s so much in his face right now: hesitance, hope, worry, and warmth. It’s amazing to Zayn that one person can hold so many emotions in one expression.</p><p>He doesn’t think he can answer everything that face says at once, so instead he just nods and says, “Uh, come in.” He’s pretty sure his voice goes a pitch higher as he says it.</p><p>Not fully trusting himself to not faint right now, Zayn proceeds to the living room rather quickly, and takes a seat on the couch where they will be sitting for the movie marathon. Niall enters and, still rubbing Rosie’s belly, takes a seat a few inches away from Zayn.</p><p>When Zayn looks at Liam, and then Louis, his heart picks up speed. He doesn’t know what emotions to feel – or if he even feels any emotions at all. He thinks he might end up doing that thing where he “floats” out of his body, but he’s trying to keep it at bay for now. He hears Rosie get up from Niall’s lap and jump on to his. He appreciates her support more than she could know.</p><p>Louis opens his mouth, then closes it several times. Finally, after an excruciating amount of silence has already passed, Liam speaks. “Zayn, I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you at the hospital, but I was afraid that it would be too much and maybe you wouldn’t want to see me anymore as soon as you knew.”</p><p>Zayn bobs his head. <em>That’s fair because I’m not completely sure I want to be seeing you now either</em>, he thinks as he pets Rosie very slowly. Liam continues, “And I was ashamed too. Ashamed of the way I acted. I told interviewers that we were good with each other, because that’s what I was supposed to say, but it wasn’t true. I’m sorry for lying, and I’m sorry for not being a good friend when I should have been.”</p><p>Zayn nods and wipes at the tears in his eyes. He can’t speak right now, but he pats the spot on his right side to indicate that Liam can sit down now if he wants to. Liam accepts, with his own eyes still misty, and leaves a respectable amount of room between the two of them.</p><p>Louis is front and center now. He’s still opening and closing his mouth, and looks like he has so much he wants to say and can’t sum it up. Zayn looks down at Rosie because he can’t keep looking at Louis’ face when he looks this vulnerable.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” Louis says, coming out pinched. Zayn looks back up at him and wishes he hadn’t, because Louis’ tears are all over his cheeks right now. “When you left, I took it to heart. I felt like you were leaving me specifically, and I… I have already had so many people leave me.” Zayn wipes his nose on his sleeve. He hates this so much. “But I was a right prick to do that. I know I was. S***.” Louis looks up at the ceiling, as if the words he’s looking for are written up there.</p><p>“I never should have shut you out like that,” he continues. “You were my best mate. You’ve seen me at my absolute worst and my absolute best. I’m… I’m sorry, Zayn. I really am.”</p><p>Putting Rosie on the floor, Zayn carefully stands up and takes Louis’ hand, the one that belongs to the arm with the Bus 1 tattoo on it. Zayn puts Louis’ hand into a fist and then puts his own hand – the one with Bus 1 on the wrist – in a fist as well. He then bumps their fists together and Louis giggles, wiping away his tears.</p><p>Louis then bites his lip and, hesitantly, takes a step forward and opens his arms, face asking a question. Zayn answers by wrapping his arms around him, patting his back when they separate. The two smile at each other.</p><p>Niall – who Zayn had almost forgotten was there, embarrassingly enough – breaks up the moment by saying, “Well lads what do you say? Shall we start from the very beginning with Iron Man?”</p><p>When Zayn looks at Niall, he can see that his eyes are just as misty as the rest of them. <em>That’s Niall for you</em>, Zayn thinks with a smile. Finally finding his voice, he says, “Sounds perfect to me.”</p><p>All three boys cheer and Zayn and Louis sit down. Zayn is quick to open his laptop and pull up the movie on Netflix. He looks around at the three others, how far apart they are from each other, and says, “You know, you’ll probably be able to see better if you squeeze in closer.” With surprised smiles, they oblige and move closer together.</p><p>No, Zayn did not immediately forgive Liam and Louis that night. He’s not even sure he would necessarily use the term “friends” to describe them. But he does know that sitting there on the couch with them, watching Marvel movies and eating popcorn (and throwing popcorn in each other’s faces), was the nicest he has felt since getting out of the hospital.</p><p>And that night, before they walk out the door to go back to their hotels, Zayn realizes something else. He realizes that he doesn’t have to put a label on things to know that when he’s with Niall, he’s at his happiest. As Niall gets his jacket off of the hanger he left it on, Zayn kisses Niall on the cheek. “Thank you,” he says, meaning so many things with those two words. Niall smiles back at him like he understands all of them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you enjoyed yourselves (especially Katelyn)!!! Will I ever do a Zayn-gets-amnesia-and-forgets-he-left-1D fanfic again? Probably not, specifically because - unless I'm misunderstanding the science of amnesia - the years keep ticking by and "forgetting he left 1D" is less and less possible as the years go by. And, hopefully, I have 'fixed' the mistakes of my original 2015 fanfic with this one. I feel like I have. Thank you for reading! :)</p>
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